Let me be extremely clear that I am not a homewrecker and have never condoned infidelity. This married man is senior to me at work but not my direct boss. We recently worked on a project together for months and had many phone calls for at least an hour, sometimes almost two, nearly all initiated by him. It was mostly about work topics but I noticed that he would sprinkle in sexual innuendos, for example using a clearly sexual slang word to talk about a file. Even if it was supposedly about a work thing, the file, this play on the dirty word did not seem a coincidence. Basically that word is nearly always used in a kinky context. That’s one example of several.
Then his calls were mostly in the evenings, and we even talked on both of our days off (work related but still). A small part of each call would be a personal topic. He started opening up about extremely personal matters including his difficult childhood, large family of many siblings, marriage, his favorite food/drink, mutual hobbies, opinions about our coworkers, many inside jokes. Keep in mind, this man is one of those tough executives who wears the hardest shell so others can’t crack it and get close to him. I’m not sure if he was finding a way to bring up his relationship status so I wouldn’t enable him - if that’s even what he speculated I would do? Or he didn’t trust himself to keep it professional? It was all so strange but he definitely got more relaxed/trusting as time progressed. I guess I could say the same for myself, but I wouldn’t even think of using suggestive language to subtly flirt. With a married man. Which makes it that much harder for me to say: I found myself becoming attracted to some of his qualities, and because qualities are so much of what makes a person who they are, I seemingly became attracted to him. He’s my “type” physically too. Then on our last call for that project, he sounded depressed and said something that was almost heartbreaking. Just think of a line that you’d tell your ex during the waning moments of that last talk. Since then, I’ve sent him a few work related emails which he’s ignored. He did respond to one time-sensitive text. Neither of us have called.
Please be kind and really try to see from my point of view. It hurts to not being able to control my thoughts because I still think about him in a romantic context at times and beat myself up over it with no outlet for this feeling. I won’t act on it obviously, but it’s really frustrating. It feels like I didn’t get closure even after avoiding him for extended amounts of time, and I still have these feelings. What is happening and why? Do you think he started liking me at a superficial level, or actually developed feelings and had to distance himself? Isn’t he largely responsible for me catching feelings? Who is the bigger culprit? Am I so weird/unorthodox to get emotionally attached, or can many of you empathize or at least relate in some way? Does he want me to call him or leave him alone? Or, was he trying to enable me to do more work to make his life easier? Thank you for any advice, input, or empathy!
What was the word he used to talk about a file?
All the additional questions feel pointless to ask or answer, because above all, this seems like a situation you shouldn’t consider pursuing any further.
Yeah, I was going to start talking about the philosophy of blame and culpability, but actually that’s not the helpful answer here. OP, just move on. The only thing you can control is what you do next.
At this point I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong.
A bit of flirting at work I’d say is normal, even when married, it’s just the human condition. It’s when things go beyond that it may be time to stop it and people become guilty.
In this story there is no culprit. Heck, I read it as maybe he picked up on it and decided to stop himself cold turkey. I wouldn’t hold it against him, if anything that is an honorable trait, to self reflect and realize it was heading in a bad direction. If I were him, I probably would have knee-jerk reacted too if I realized it. Yeah it might be nice to talk about it… but work complicates that and it opens the door for HR and a whole bunch of trouble. It also could have just been you read into it a bit too much, I can’t say I wasn’t there.
There’s no harm in developing a little crush, even one on someone we shouldn’t have one on. The harm is to follow through with it, or to let it linger. I’d say this is a good time to reflect on it, admit it was fun, but move on professionally together. I would be courteous to him, friendly even if you see him in the break room, but this is the time that I’d recommend coming to terms with it’s just a silly crush, nothing will happen with it, and to look elsewhere. No guilt, no blame, it was fun to imagine, but it’s not healthy to dwell either.
This helps, thank you! I agree and feel better but I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to move on from him. He’s been on my mind a lot recently. It comes and goes and I genuinely would like to move on. If only the timing was better, we could’ve really been something I believe.
One more vote for doesn’t matter, move on. Having a number in your head for what % responsible you were versus he was changes nothing.
I’m only speaking from my own experiences in similar situations:
Is he going to leave his wife to be with you? No, he is not likely to do so.
Would you want him to leave his wife to be with you? I can’t answer for you, but I’d wager it’s a weird thought.
Is he likely to enjoy the attention/admiration and keep you on the hook to stroke his ego? You betcha.
This never ends well for the person in your position. That advice is a cliche for a reason.
You have a crush. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with you. Eventually you will get over it.
Thank you for giving some hope. Do you think he developed real feelings for me though? It’s so hard for me to move on without clearing this part up internally
Maybe, but it’s unlikely that they match your feelings. It’s rare for two people to simultaneously develop crushes for each other. That’s part of what sucks about having a crush.
