Let’s have a lunch and learn!
That they treat you like “family”
They do, the family just happens to be dysfunctional and abusive.
MVP - as in “minimum viable product”
More commonly known as the slop of a product or solution that’s being slinged to all the markets early on without adequate documentation, support, usability, scalability, standards or security.
“Corner the market” also deserves a disgusting mention.
Especially if the MVP ends up with a lot of scope creep for features that are not MVP
“Department / Corporate Retreat”
As in, “we’re holding our annual corporate retreat next Wednesday! It’ll be offsite, you’re all required to be there, and we’ll be spending the day having a 6 hour meeting about absolutely nothing, just like we do every year. But dont worry, when we’re done we’ll play a game no one wants to play, or do a craft no one wants to do, but everyone will pretend they enjoy it because if they don’t, they’re not ‘team players.’”
This year, our day-long-nothing-meeting was about how management is working to secure everyone’s jobs despite budget cuts, and we have nothing to worry about. Then we took a personality quiz that said I was a character from Stranger Things. Then the next day, they told me I’m getting laid off and have 3 months left at the company.
Fucking RETREATS are so relaxing.
Anything they use to replace the word “layoffs”.
Rightsizing
Fun sizing
Excising.
Can we “just double click on that” for a second?
shudders
Ew.
I have to say, I have used the phrase “Drill Down” to refer to the same thing? Does it cause the same reaction?
I had a visceral reaction to this. If you’ve heard this in real life, my deepest sympathies.
What is it even supposed to mean?!
“Let’s explore that topic more”
What would a linux user say for this?
“Can we just dot slash that, then chmod plus x and and dot slash that for a second”A linux user would just throw a craft beer bottle.
I’m in this comment and I begrudgingly like it. Carry on.
“You don’t have a sense of urgency to get things done”. I usually get this when I’m going crazy to get things done so my status reports and presentations suffer. I understand paperwork is necessary, but can’t you at least say that rather than claiming I’m not getting things done. Meanwhile they’re satisfied with my sends of urgency to get things done if I just ignore my work and pamper them with status reports and PowerPoints.
IME, when they talk about sense of urgency, they want you to cut corners and rush through everything, but somehow make no mistakes. Usually said when you’ve been assigned double the normal workload for your position.
not really corporate, but (as far as i know) it was brought into existence due to corporations: “unalive”
“It doesn’t scale”, meaning the company might have to (shudder) hire people if our business doubles.
Please socialise the requirement throughout your teams
What’s our North Star?
This phrase is currently running riot at my work. Leadership have just created a new “North Star” so that they can Kingdom Build and leave their mark; years of progress on other projects are being thrown on a mini-bonfire of the vanities.
It’s just a bullshit saying for something they’ll never achieve.
I’ve even heard people say it’s never achievable but we should use that as our direction. I can’t stand corporate fucking bullshit.
Ping: emailing someone
Revert: emailing someone
[Topic] came up on diary: I’m emailing someone
Signs you work in a bullshit email job.
We are working on a new strategy
when they give thier non-apology apologies.
‘contextual knowledge’
this gem was put forward in all seriousness when the data didn’t support the claims in the report: “it’s not in the numbers, but we have a pretty good sense that this is true”
“vibes”
Flywheel. Stop.
