I used to volunteer at a nursing home when I was a teenager, and one of the residents was this spicy old demented lady named Florence. Florence had a real mouth on her, and I would try to charm her, and get nowhere. Once she looked at me and said “you look like you got a mouthful of hot shit”. I got over my intimidation and began to speak more freely, and once when she was trying to hit people with a flyswatter she found, I was trying to talk her into giving it to me, and I said “Florence, don’t you love me anymore?”. And she said “Well I love you, but from a distance”, and whacked me a good one.

Those are both positives - you’re resourceful, creative, and recycle. When you like something, you go all in.

Friend/coworker recently told me that i don’t have a ‘game face.’ Now I’m self conscious that everyone knows what I’m really thinking.

About 5-7 years ago (hard to pin down the exact date) I’ve been called out by one of my close friends for being a toxic asshole in online games. And I really was, at the time. That was a much needed wake-up call. I like to think I’m better at games today than I was then in no small part because I’ve learned to keep my mental state under control and turn around even unfavorable matches.

Once in a while, someone tells me I’m being an asshole.

They’re usually right.

I’ll then try to stay quiet until I can think of something decidedly i Un-asshole to say.

“Your breath isn’t bad”

I’m awkward.

Criticized Pearl Jam when a guy who was super into them was giving me a ride home.

One time, I was at a concert at a small-ish venue. I went to see a popular-ish band that I like, place was packed. The band started like 30-45 minutes late. When they finally got on stage, I happened to yell out during a brief pause, “Finally! We’ve been waiting forever!”

No one said anything and the show kept moving—but immediately after I yelled that the girl in front of me turned around and gave me a huge scowling look, like she was super embarrassed for me, like I had just done something really awful.

That look has stuck with me ever since.

I got onto a video chat with a friend-of-a-friend who was not from the US.

The instant I took the phone and we saw each other for the first time, he scoffed and said “Big fake American smile.”

It was 100% true. I had a big dopey bullshit “meeting people” smile on. That’s not common in other countries.

I had a “friend breakup” in high school with a long time friend because we were getting into some heavy shit and I knew I couldn’t keep going down that path. During the final argument he said with pain in his eyes “and you never even remembered or got me anything for my birthdays and I always made sure to do something for you!” I’m sorry Bobby, I had undiagnosed ADHD and I still have a hard time remembering anyone’s birthdays. I’ve come to expect nothing because I assume I’ve never given anything.

My cousin said I was “opportunistic” and my sister said I was “unobservant”, and… I dunno, it really messed with me.

I don’t like to think of myself as this selfish guy, and I like to think that I work hard to make others happy, but… maybe I do act a lot in my own self-interest unconsciously, and its obvious to others, but not to myself.

Really messes with your self-perception and your sense of reality.

My mother called me useless when I was 8. Dropped a bottle of soda that made the cap break, spilling all the soda on the floor. I’ve had therapy for all the trauma she caused.

This was 15+ years ago. I was driving with several friends. Among them was Jane (not actual names) who used to date another friend, John. Who was not present. This friend group in the car, while fairly mutual, was more Jane’s clique than John’s. Except me, who was closer to John. It occurs to me after writing that introduction to mention I had no romantic interest in Jane, not that kind of story.

Anyway, we started talking shit about and making fun of John in the car. I don’t remember how that got started or why I participated. I liked John and bore him no animosity at all. I guess just young and dumb and wanted to fit in.

Someone who was in the car told him about this and he called me out on it. I remember him being particularly bothered that I’d talk like that about him with his ex around others. Which, pretty understandable. I saw the wrong of it and felt like a real piece of shit. And that friendship never really recovered.

I don’t talk about people behind their back anymore or engage in any other kind of gossip.

Edit: couple changes for clarity.

Had an old roommate flame me in his journal, he’d rushed out leaving the page open and I saw my name when I went in his room to drop something off.

He said some incredibly valid shit about me being condescending and it changed my outlook on my whole life. Nobody lies to their journal.

My parents were (and still are) toxic people. So when I got married, I was bitching about my spouse because that’s what I knew how to do. This went on for a while until my friend stopped me and said, “Hey, do you even like this person?”

It felt like being splashed with ice water, but he was so right. I stopped dissing my friends and my partner behind their backs and tried to stop that toxic ‘ball and chain’ sort of humor as soon as I possibly could.

Thanks, Marcos. You started a very long and necessary process of self discovery and healing. I’m so glad you said something that day.

Recently my stepsister replied to my half joking complaint about not getting within a second of the lap record at the kart track, that maybe this complaint explains some of the issues I’m having.

Upon rolling the thought around in my head a ton since then yeah that tracks, the question now becomes how to not aim high, and or not be disappointed by missing high aims. And why this is my Modus operandi to begin with, to aim high, not try all that hard and expect to succeed.

Essentially I had to call myself out in an inner monologue.

Over the course of two years taking care of my foster niece and nephew weve had some rough days. Tantruming, nasty attitude, refusal do basic hygiene things like wipe their ass and flush, stuff like that. Ive had to square the fact that I cannot hold children to my high standards of behavior or hold grudes against them for their worst moments.

At some point early on in a moment of extreme anger where my blood was fucking boiling and my mind overflowing with angry thoughts I just had this sudden realization that I am self righteous prick getting mad at stuff i myself was probably guilty of as defiant little shit too. So stop taking dumb animal child shit so personally and go relax.

Its kind of weird just being forced to self analyze the worst aspects of yourself and calling out your own nonesense. I now understand I have the bad personality traits of being self righteous and quick to get upset over insubordination. These are things I need to overcome if I ever want to healthily raise a child of my own. I dont want to be an imposing tyrant god-king to my kids the same way my father was to me only to continue the cycle of resentment. At the same time, as a parent you have to sometimes impose your will on a unwilling child to make them do what they need to so its a hard balance.

So thank you, me, for choosing to be an intelligent and introspective being that doesnt use mental complexes to hide nasty truths about myself and reality.