i am not talking about performance anxiety i think

it is something else

i might feel

  • being close to someone = danger = EJECT EJECT EJECT
  • someone i like shows she likes me = danger = PUSH PUSH PUSH her away
  • i am needy therefore i will be exploited
  • those who love get screwed. so i must not get close to anyone i love
  • i have no support network therefore i will be badly hurt when this ends, and almost everything ends
  • she does x or y, so she is not good enough, so i won’t get close to her