As a kid, I learned to “pause” my true self. School was the pause, and my hobbies, dreams, and passions were the unpause—something I’d rush back to during lunch or after class.
Over time, the pauses got longer. Tiredness and responsibilities crept in, leaving little energy to unpause at the end of some days.
At work, sometimes the pressure and the demands were so relentless that I couldn’t unpause for weeks or months at a time.
Then came marriage, fatherhood, and the joy—and work—of raising a child.
I want my son to get to know the real me but I worry that by the time he is grown I won’t have any “self” to unpause to.
I wonder what could be causing my depression…
i was raised in a high pressure household and school was always always the pause. im only 23 now but im still struggling to figure out who i am since i never really got the chance to. responsibilities will always creep in, you have to be super intentional about making time for you. maybe start with a once a week class on something that interests you. as busy as you are, you can find a couple hours one day a week. prioritize movement, eating well, and sleeping enough so you have more energy, and therefore time during the day.
This book could be recommended in those cases: https://archive.org/details/philosophicalpro0000hege/mode/2up and try to read everytime that you are idle, because maybe there is not an ideal place to concentrate about you and you have to include your life in the capital (capitalist system) rhythm by force.
Yeah, but as others have said, your “true” life is both those periods of pause and play. Better way to look at it imho is how much you do for others vs yourself, and if you’re happy with that split.
I would consider your future self an other person as well, though obviously you do want to look after them.
Does anyone else
Yes
The world has changed significantly since you were your kiddo’s age, but it sounds like you might be stuck thinking you can regain the things you’ve lost. Time only goes one way and you have to find new ways to live and express yourself.
Look for parts of your life where you are just killing time. Browsing social media, watching a streaming service, playing video games, etc, and see if you can do less of that. Look at what things you buy and see if you can buy less, used, or local to free up some budget for pursuing other interests. And if you feel tired all the time, get some exercise, it really does help with fatigue over time.
Both your partner and kiddo can also help, they would prefer a happy, authentic husband/dad and probably would support you if you asked them for specific assistance.
Ultimately you have to make it a priority or nothing will change.
Ever since I got home from getting kicked out of boot camp nothing feels real. Everything is on pause and I can’t enjoy my hobbies.
I liked manga and decided to buy some. But once I bought some I stopped enjoying it. I’ve always wanted a dirt bike, got that. Now I don’t even wanna ride it.
I dunno how long that’s been for you, but I got too injured while on the ROTP programme (that’s how poor kids go to school). And I was out with some non-transferrable skills (5.56 percussion, anyone? One-armed sign language?), surfing a couch and a little broken. This was early '90s.
You know what? You’re gonna second guess things for a long while, deciding things were or were not your fault. You’re gonna feel a little ‘flat’ about things for some time as well. That’s common and I remember it well. Like, the house could fall down around me and I was so dampered for adrenaline that I’d reeeeally not care but probably slowly cope with that too.
Save the manga. You’re maybe gonna like it again, along with other things too. Maybe, maybe not, but keep the options open.
Boot tears you down to pieces so they can build a soldier out of you, and getting dropped from a programme abruptly is super-jarring, but you have an opportunity to rebuild yourself as a pretty awesome human again. Decide who you are After Basic, take the good lessons and try to shed the OCD of boot and, um, Other Bad Shit, and see if you can build a You that is driven and goal-focused, but also invested in fluffy civvy stuff.
Then - in your own time - decide whats next with the help of your friends.
cliCC
Honestly I can’t remember the last time my life was on “Play.” I’ve been stuck in the same job so long it’s had two name changes and an acquisition since I started. It’s decent money and I can tolerate the work which is largely why I’m still there, because almost everyone I knew when I started has left or been fired. And I’m so afraid that if I leave or get let go I won’t be able to find anything else because the job market’s been absolute dogshit.
I’ve been experimenting with my gender presentation. I did a full body shave and picked up a skirt. I don’t think it’s helped me feel better about my body. I just kind of want to be a brain in a jar or a stuffed animal or something that doesn’t look like a complete pile of shit no matter how it’s dressed up.
Yup. Have been feeling like this for almost five years, since I started univeristy.
I started struggling with anxiety and depression shortly after I moved to another town. That, plus the exams accumulating and other minor stuff really did put my life on pause. After two years I was able to get sort of a break from uni, and I was able to unpause myself. I started going out with ppl and cultivating my interests, at least for a year. Now I’m trying to get my degree, and I should be able to in two months (shit it’s so close).
I’m still struggling with anxiety a lot, but I feel like the only way out is by finishing university. Once I do that, I hope I’ll be able to actually unpause my life, or at least find a good balance.
Sorry I don’t really have any good advice, but know that you’re not alone in this.
Also you went through that during a pandemic if I have my math right. I feel for all the youngsters that dealt with that during their most formative years such as university. I work at a uni and the kids were not OK.
It is important to remember we are animals. If you feel stuck try to connect with your natutal self. Go outdoors disconnect from the world. Bring your child. Look at the moon, and sky. When we were children the entire world was a marvel. Watch how he looks at things and try to remember what that was like.
Hey there, fellow tired and paused Dad!
I felt every word of what you said, and my advice for you is what I’m learning to tell myself every day.
Just let your freak flag fly, my friend.
There’s a cynical way to look at this. Nothing means anything, and there are no more rules anymore. We’re on the Titanic worrying about about which forks to use and whether we’re wearing the right shoes for dinner. Eat with your hands and wear clown shoes!
And there’s also a positive, constructive way to look at this. Whatever we’ve been doing, as a culture, as a generation, isn’t working. Maybe a generation of dads (and moms and all other people) pausing themselves hasn’t been good for us. Be the weird, awesome, thoughtful guy you seem to be, and your son will probably do the same. We’re not the hope for the future, but our kids are, and they deserve to see the unpaused us.
What have you paused? Pick up that old hobby. Remember your passion. Start over if you have to. Be a kid with your kid and figure out what you want to be when you grow up.
I don’t mean to preach. I’m mostly talking to myself here. But I wish you the best.
How, when you have no energy and time?
I don’t know your situation, but I am an overwhelmed father of two young kids and the only way I can cope is by choosing days where I make the time after the routine, knowing full well it will be a shitty day after that. No chores, unhealthy eating if I so choose and going to bed late.
It’s the best I’ve found so far that keeps me afloat. But we’re always one stuffy nose away from disaster.
Re-evaluate what you actually need. Almost everyone can free up time and energy from stuff they shouldn’t actually care about, but do care because of societal or familial or whatever pressures.
Yeah, I don’t really know the answer to that. I may have misread OP’s question. I took it as a “how do I get back to the me that’s under all the adult garbage?” when maybe it’s more about not having time or energy to find themselves.
I don’t know how to answer that question, except to say we can always find ways to be better, more authentic versions of ourselves. From the clothes we wear to work or the music we listen to in traffic, to the conversations we have during dinner and the ways we talk about shows we’re binging.
Maybe there’s no time to add anything new, but we probably have the ability to make the time we have more expressive and more meaningful.
Dunno, man. I’m working it all out for myself too. Good luck to you.
golden comment. Doubly bookmared See you space cowboys!
my father was this way - i didnt get to know the real him until i was in my mid-late 20’s. though i think its great that he can be himself again, there is a bit of resentment that i didnt mean enough to him to stop working for once and interact with me on a human level while growing up.
we arent super close, but we are friendly to each other. having slightly less money by working less and spending more time with the kid would mean you have to find some free things to do… #worth
there has been a meme making the rounds about “if you work really hard this could be you” with a picture of a gravestone saying you worked hard. dont be that guy <3
Thankfully in my youth I was given the space to be my true self, so now that I have a job/wife/kids with a ton of responsibility and have to “pause” some of my self, I don’t mind it was I was really quite self centered and self absorbed for the first 30 years of my life. I balanced school with going out or doing my hobbies.
My true self now is a passion for my family and my job, and I know that long term my kid will become distant and I wont always work so for the moment I am happy to be “paused” and still carve out some time for myself 3-4 hours a week to enjoy my hobbies by myself. But the real trick is integration, my son knows that the real me is someone who wants to do a lot of activities with him all the time, and so I take the time to participate in his hobbies, and naturally he is very interested in learning mine or watching me do mine.
I’m working on a 2.5 year degree to upgrade my credentials while working part time and i’ve been on autopilot/pause the entire time. I can’t remember the last time I did something because I wanted to do it and not because i had to or it was in my schedule. Oh well I’m almost done, my remedy will be a nice vacation and having evenings and weekends back.
That’s a disturbingly accurate description of how I’ve felt for decades
