If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.

Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.

I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.

One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!

I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.

You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.

A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”

Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don’t raise objections or cause friction like saying you’re uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.

Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with “Sorry, I’m in the middle of this can you message me?”

Well, sometimes people just don’t ever get it and they need to be told to fuck off in very blunt words. I think that usually poisons the well and dries up further conversation, permanently. But I’m not sure if this is the case here. And that strategy comes with possibly other severe consequences. So I won’t recommend it.

Another strategy would be to have someone else talk to him… You yourself seem to be getting nowhere. But maybe he listens to other people, or they’re somehow more gifted to get through to people like him.

What also sometimes works (depending on circumstances) are large headphones. They might be part of your work anyways, if you’re doing online-meetings in the office, or you are allowed to listen to music… Either do that and you can’t hear him anyways, or just put them on all day and say “Huh?” 200 times a day and see if he picks up on it. Though, this might not work if he’s stupid, as well. Or he might start tapping you on the shoulder and invade your privacy even more… Idk. But headphones have worked for me in various situations. Especially if they’re big and noticeable.

Just tell him you don’t talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.

Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don’t owe friendliness.

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life,

Tell them to leave you alone, that you don’t care about their life.

I’m 100% serious. Just be honest if thats the way you feel. It sets up boundaries and if they are a sane person, they’ll respect you for your honesty.

Take up skiing and make that your entire personality

Why am I like this?

Because different people are different. I am the same. I could not give 2 shits about my coworkers personal lives.

Us dudes are thick as bricks, put him on the backdoor by using some of these.

I’m in the middle of something, I wish you would stop interrupting me.

Dude, stop interrupting me.

No seriously, if you keep interrupting me I will have to talk to management about it.

Have you tried gushing?

Not just responding, and having a busy conversation, but just not stopping, even interrupting him.

It wouldn’t be my first choice, I prefer direct honesty, but you already tried telling him you’re working.

You could try even more directly saying that you don’t want to talk casually at work, but that requires not doing so with anyone, or you might as well just tell him you don’t like him and be done with it that way. Which is an option. He is someone you don’t like, but I assume you’re wanting to avoid that because it’s work, so that’s the absolute last option.

I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you’re alright, but that you’re just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it’s nothing personal, but that’s just who you are and you’ll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you’re feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.

Have you tried telling him… to leave you alone?

Show him your Warhammer figurines

You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.

There’s something called “The Grey Rock Method” you may want to check out. This link is just from a quick search, there may be better sources out there:

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.

I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.

You’re not responsible for meeting this man’s needs. You don’t need to trick him. “Please leave me alone.” If he does not do this simple thing, then you have not committed any offence and you can train yourself not to feel bad about it. You already meditate, so you might make your tendency to feel bad about this into a object of meditation.

Unfortunately, you can’t control his behavior. He might still try to sit down next to you and talk to you about things that don’t interest you. I don’t know what more you can do than ask him to stop doing this and hope he complies. “Please stop doing this. I’m just not interested. I prefer to be alone.” It is compassionate to say nothing more than this.

As for why you’re like this, that’s very likely because someone taught to you to care about other people’s feelings and didn’t teach you that their feelings are not your fault. This seems pretty common.

The stories you tell yourself about why he does this and the stories you tell yourself to explain your own behavior… they probably don’t help you much, do they?

Peace.