My wife & I have an 18-year-old son. He started university in September, studying medicine. There he met this 41-year-old man - a classmate, and they became really good friends. This man has just started university now at this age because apparently he was born poor and in the first half of his life was focused on making money, but medicine is a dream of his. Son has always been an introverted, shy, socially awkward kid with little friends, but now goes out often. Honestly my wife & I are uncomfortable, and we can’t help but side eye the dude.
I was in a similar boat and became close friends with a coworker in his 50s when I was in my early 20s. He became a mentor of sorts who helped to guide me through a lot of young adult issues, and I was thankful for him. I’d encourage you to be open minded about your son’s friendship unless you are sensing red flags from his friend.
As a 40 something man, I’ve found that my friend groups tend to shift by life stage more than age.
We have friends that are 10-15 years older than us because our kids are the same age, and we have friends that are 10-15 years younger than us because we have overlapping hobbies or work together.
At this point in my life, I don’t even bother finding out someone’s age until I’d consider them friends, because it doesn’t matter if we’ve found something we connect over.
I’ve had friends 20 or 30 years older for well over a decade.
… your son is an adult. I think you’re being the weird ones about this personally.
At age 17 I made friends with a coworker in their 40s. I found out he was into D&D and he invited me to sit in on a game. Now I’m 30 and I been playing with this group of now 50-60 year old dudes every Sunday since. Age gap isn’t strange but if your getting weird vibes maybe have a chat with your son about your concerns, but he is an adult in college now. He will likely have many connections of all ages.
There were some older people at my university and they always sadly had a lot of trouble making friends and fitting in. Be glad your son is a good guy who doesnt judge people by their age.
Not quite the same gap but I grew to be good friends with a work buddy in his 40s when I was 25.
Throughout my life I tended to connect better with people older than me.
It doesn’t have to be creepy or problematic, but your son would have to know what worrying things to look out for. Nothing wrong with having a chat saying “hey just because large age gap friendships are rarer, i wanted to make sure you’re on your guard…but your friend might be awesome, just have your eyes open”.
What specifically worries you?
Maybe I’m projecting my own feelings but being basically this guy’s age I can’t imagine hanging out with someone so young. It just gives off bad vibes.
What would you do if you were the 40 year old hanging out with an 18 year old? Really dive into your fantasy and let us know what you are thinking. I bet you can come up with some really wild imagery that the IRL 40 year old would never dream of.
I don’t quite get what you’re implying but as I’ve said I wouldn’t be hanging out with an 18 year old in the first place.
I’m a shy, awkward soul that never felt ‘in sync’ w/ my generation. Old people rock, life would be a lot more empty without them.
If you go to uni, hanging out with people aroind your son’s age is implied. I bet the guy might feel out of place as well - but consider he is now living his dream of studying in university. He is surrounded by 18 year olds and he has two options - be isolated for nothing but his age or make friends and experience life he couldn’t experience when his age was appropriate for it.
It is likely your son and this guy just clicked. When I was around 16 I had a great virtual friendship (played World of Warcraft together, only met once) with a guy in his 30s. We also just clicked. I’d say he was my best friend in that guild. We are not in contact anymore but I still remember that friendship fondly.
I understand your concerns as a father and I’d recommend discussing it with your son with open mind. Friendship is just friendship, I don’t think there is an age limit on it.
Of course you can’t.
But picture putting your life on hold for 30 years. Would you not then feel extremely out of place with your own “peers” who didn’t do that?
Age isn’t really what defines where you’re at as a person, that’s stuff like culture, hobbies, career, education. People don’t connect over being the same age. They connect over stuff like video games, philosophy, books, nerding out about their industry, how that one class at school sucks, etc.
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I see why your son has no friends, not his issue tho, it’s the side eyeing
Personally, I think it’s nice to have friends who are older or younger.
If you feel uncomfortable maybe try to get to know him.
I started working for the post office when I was 19 and half of my friends were suddenly 40 year olds. Now I’m 40, most of those friends are retired, and I talk about video games and stuff with a bunch of 20 year olds.
I think in some insitutions you’re just bound to associate with older or younger people if you’re the odd one out and college strikes me as that kind of place
I had a friend with that same age gap in university, he was actually a great influence because he had life experience.
He was basically retired from his first career and taking classes for fun, awesome dude.
I went to community college for my first two years and only had adult friends. It was exactly what I needed at the time because they shared their life experience with me and it was immensely helpful in making my own good decisions. Now in my 40s my husband and I are the older friends in our game group who do the same for our 20-something friends. We even convinced one of them to get his GED and had a big celebration for him once he got it when his own family blew him off over it. You have to make your own community where you can and older people outside of family have value too.
This man has just started university now at this age because apparently he was born poor and in the first half of his life was focused on making money, but medicine is a dream of his.
So the guy worked to get to a place where he could reasonably go back to school to do something he’s passionate about.
Son has always been an introverted, shy, socially awkward kid with little friends, but now goes out often.
Going to college will do that, what’s the issue? Is it impacting his grades?
Honestly my wife & I are uncomfortable, and we can’t help but side eye the dude.
Why are you uncomfortable? What about the guy is off-putting to you? And are you really untrustworthy of the guy, or uncomfortable about the new choices in behavior your kid is exhibiting now that he has autonomy?
With how little information is provided, I can only fall back on my own experience as a kid with an over protective parent who had to be explicitly told to let me be an adult, and I get similar vibes. But that could just be my experience coloring your post.
I think you’re misunderstanding me. My issue isn’t him going out often, I’m happy about that, it’s a good thing. My concern is that it’s almost exclusively with this guy, and it’s worrying to me that they spend so much time together. I’m this guy’s age and I can’t imagine regularly hanging out with someone so young. It’s just odd and gives off bad vibes. And my son always had autonomy, that’s not what this is about.
What, specifically, are you concerned they might do, or might become? Are you afraid this might become a predatory sexual relationship? That he might become codependent? That the older guy is immature and will be a bad influence?
When you can define your concerns, it will reveal what action (if any) is appropriate.
It’s not odd. If that’s who you interact with, that’s who you’ll be friends with.
Age is a number, and friendship with someone with life experience isn’t going to hurt anyone.
Depends entirely on the person. I have friends that are a similar age gap to the one you mentioned, it just never occurred to me to think of it as weird.
We’re all into the same hobby and that’s how we met, but we also like similar video games, music, TV, etc, so there’s plenty to talk about and have a friendship around. I don’t think about their age really at all, it just doesn’t come up.
But yeah, it entirely depends on the individual, on both ends. You can have a weirdo older person, you can have a weirdo 18 year old. Just got to weigh up a person and try to figure out what their deal is :-)
When I was 21 I joined a big band that had people from their late teens to their mid 70s. I think of everyone in that band as something like family, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Like all friendships, it’s case by case. There are shitty people and there are cool people. Your son is an adult and has to learn to distinguish between those. We do live in a world where inter-generational friendships are rare, and maybe that means that there’s a higher chance that this guy is odd, but to foreclose on inter-generational friendships seems pretty impoverishing. This guy’s background and life experience is probably really different from that of your son. Developing close friendships with people like that is important. Had I not, especially at a young age, I’d be a very different person.
Or he could be a weirdo 🤷
I used to play Star Wars 4th Edition Pen and Paper RPG with a 40 year old and his 32 year old wife when I was 16. They were just harmless geeks, like me.
If anything, my mom making snarky comments about the 40 year old guy really soured our relationship for a while. My friend who was my age and who also played with us sent her a picture in the mail of the 3 of us holding hands under a rainbow. She was pissed.
It’s fine. Your son could just as easily be friends with someone his age that’s a psychopath. It’s in the person, not the age. At 18 you’re going to have to trust his judgement a little more.
