This is depression, alcoholism; it’s getting pretty late-stage. All of this is wrong, and everything I’ve gone through insists they’re fucking Reifenstahl.
Yes, I have mentioned her twice this week. It’s because it’s germane. I’m using that word a lot more, too. It holds a certain connotation.
But that aside, I do not want 988. I want a solution, not some attempt to make me believe rich people shall be my saviors.
I have treatment-resistant major depressive disorder. I can understand why this looks like doing nothing; hell, I just got off the phone with my former boss I met in detox who feels the same way.
My problem with mental-health services is they focus on turning you back into a good little bitch for the rich. I think you know that’s not me.
I am not a mental health professional by any means, but if this was your experience I think you may have had a shitty therapist. Everybody I know that is in therapy and likes their therapist complains about late stage capitalism with their therapist.
I don’t often share this, but my father was regarded as Arizona’s foremost adolescent-suicide expert. The issue is self-evident if you are aware of the quality of parenting you get in this situation. This is why I want to fix the world but can’t fix myself.
No offense to your father, but that doesn’t seem like it invalidates what i said. Sounds like a shitty therapist. I understand the trauma of a shit parent, but that seems like a sketch mix of bad therapist and distant (at best) parent. I’m legitimately sorry you had to deal with that.
As someone that has dealt (not well) with depression, I get the work it takes to find a therapist that clicks, but fuck it might save your life. Be up front about your history. If they are worth their salt they will give 0 shits about who your father was.
It’s a bit of a shot in the dark here, but have you considered looking into psychedelics? If you’re careful with them I’ve heard they can be life changing for treatment resistant depression and addiction. I only have experience with high thc cannabis (infrequently but at somewhat regular intervals, 1-4 times a month), but even that’s helped me (not in an assimilation into capitalism kind of way but in a feeling less burdened by the world kind of way, freer to pursue community, relationsips, etc, with less fear)
Even if you keep it in mind as a last resort, it might be something to consider.
Alternately/concurrently perhaps look into philosophy like that of Mark Fisher, bell hooks, or Lacan/Zizek for more perspectives from people trying to make sense of our current social reality.
I actually have! Grew way more shrooms than needed. Like seriously, four fucking quarts, which I figured would made for good trade at a regional burn. Except everyone had them, too. Trading for E was a difficult ask.