Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.
I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realise I probably agree with your criticism.
I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested
Yikes
Indeed. OP basically outing themselves as a self centered narcissist.
Yeah.
I can’t be bothered to even pretend to care about the lives of people I claim to care about
Not true. If you go through life being expected to act a certain way all the time that eventually takes a toll. OP is doing right by himself the same way everyone else does when they share things expecting they’ll get a narrow and specific reaction from people. If you want to throw around the n word that’s as good a place as any.
That’s a lot of words to rationalize total disinterest in the lives of people OP claims are their friends.
It’s an explanation, those use words.
It’s a hamfisted rationalization. Not an explanation.
Would you care to explain how friendship can exist between two people, if one of the parties has absolutely zero interest in the other?
That’s not friendship.
Not really I’m more just presenting an alternate explanation. Don’t mistake me for holding strongly to this opinion, but I do feel like calling OP out as a narcissist or whatever is an unfair snap judgment. People can be different and that doesn’t make them bad most of the time.
I don’t get all wrapped up in imagining sharing the experience or anything like that, but it’s always nice to get a factual update about the other person. And if they have something interesting to say about whatever it is, that’s good too.
For some stuff I don’t care, some other makes me jealous and some other is actually cool to discover/learn (think of some new place to have lunch/dinner or some hobby you didn’t know about your friend).
But in general I am with you, and I also feel like most people liking and commenting are playing the social game.
I am not very active in social networks, though…
A baby and a vacation aren’t comparable.
Do I “care” about every little detail of their vacation? No, but I’m glad they are happy and had a good time.
People like to talk about their experiences, it’s not really a game.
I am on the spectrum. And no, i don’t. And I don’t think of it as being an asshole, I simply don’t care about it because it just is something unimportant. I mean, if something bad happened to them, I’ll be the first one to ask, but if they are telling me how nice was their trip it’s like… well, yeah? It’s expected. You make a trip to have a good time, so of course you had a good time.
I guess i consider it innecessary because is the expected outcome.
With that said, I will listen to what they say and remember it, but that doesn’t mean I find it interesting unless there is something remarkable about it.
Do you think everyone you talk to enjoys every aspect of the things you have to talk about? Do you appreciate that they listen?
Honestly, I am not very talkative. I am bad at small talk so I rarely speak unless asked directly about something specific.
Because of this, I believe that if someone asks me about something, it’s because they are interested in what I have to say about it.
To answer your question, I will not go to tell someone about my last trip unless they ask me about it because I consider that it’s not that interesting to the others if (like I do) they are not asking about it.
I’m interested in parts of the trip. Mainly the foods and food markets. What they ate where. If they want to tell me about the views or the guy at that shop who said something, I’ll feign interest.
Anyone who has been on a “cruise holiday” eats on the ship, and the food may be good but it isn’t exciting or too exotic. I want to know how you ate a sausage and found out later it was an earthworm but it was really nice because they grilled it with lime and stuff and you couldn’t tell.
Yes I do care. The reason i care is because it makes me happy for them as a friend that they’re going through or went through an event that brought them joy or enriched their lives somehow.
If it’s a coworker then I’m usually doing it to be nice, but also because if you’re spending a considerable amount of time with your coworkers each day, you’ll probably have a more enjoyable work culture if you get to know your coworkers.
It depends. Mostly I care, a new baby is a big deal, I think about how it will affect them, what the child might be like, the fact that I will probably still be spending time with that child in ten years.
Holidays I care if they’re interesting. If someone goes somewhere I’ve always wanted to go I might have questions, if they’ve been somewhere I’ve been I might chat about what I liked. But when people try to tell you a detailed recount of some trip, it can be very boring. My parents are particularly bad at reminiscing together while notionally telling me, so they keep going “where was it we ate the second day? No that was the other place” it’s awful. But it’s a chance for them to feel happy about their holiday again, so I try to be patient, and I remember how many times my parents pretended to be interested as I explained how I was doing at some computer game or whatever.
But to answer your question, it sounds like you care less than most. But everyone cares less than the people who’s life event it is. There’s lots of scenes in comedies about people hating hearing about new babies, or being forced to look at holiday photos. So you’re not alone!
Autistic and I don’t care, but I do listen and I try to do it well.
I definately care some, although not enough that I want to sit through a photo slideshow or that. That said, if its just daily photos to a family group chat, or listening to them talk about a particular trip highlight, then I certainly enjoy it.
It gets easier to ask relevant questions when you have some experience in those things.
Regarding vacations, I like to ask about the nature of sights in the area. I’m not interested in what food was in the buffet or how many pools were at the hotel, but I would like to know if the area has anything of interest.
For people having babies, I like to ask questions about how they’re going to handle it, just to check if they are on top of the situation or if they need help with anything.
Yeah, but this is what troubles me. It’s not that I don’t know what’s expected of me in these situations - I know how to play the game. I’m just not interested in it.
I do try to think about whether there’s anything even remotely interesting about what’s happened to them, and if so, I’ll ask about that. But in many cases, there’s not. Unless their vacation was to a place like North Korea, the most interesting part to me is what kind of plane they flew on and whether they found the baggage carousel mesmerizing.
Well I mean, I am interested in knowing the things I ask. It’s not just politeness.
Vacations are expensive. I appreciate any first hand information on places that I might potentially go to.
I already have kids, so my interest is mainly in sharing my own experiences to anyone willing to listen.
Absolutely not. I’d be surprised if anybody actually cares.
About a new baby? Yes, show me pictures. Also your new kittens, kitchen, a cake you made, a painting you painted, sure, yes.
Vacation not so much.
But these weaker social connections are so important to life and to society. You can’t sort people into friends or strangers, care and don’t care. There is a lot of room in between - people you know but aren’t close with are most of the people you know. It doesn’t matter if you are just following the forms, that’s fine. Keep on doing that, be nice.
No, but I’m depressed most of the time so I don’t really care about a lot.
The framing of this question is interesting. “…or are you just being nice?” Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.
A psychiatrist once told me “If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that people really do think differently from each other.” I can accept this as true but it really boggles my mind sometimes when I think I have caught a glimpse of someone’s fundamental assumptions that are so different from mine.
I have met a few people who have said things like “I don’t have time for small talk or chitchat, it is meaningless noise to me.” I thought to myself “OK, you’re not getting invited to my bar-b-que then.” Which was probably fine with them. Still, it’s hard for me to imagine having that mindset. Maybe when I was a teen it might have been said of me that I was self-absorbed and didn’t care about anyone else, but I certainly did care, more than I was able to express.
I occasionally encounter people -some way past their teen years- who have no interest in any of the things that I am into, but want to endlessly info-dump to me about My Little Pony or whatever their special interest is. I listen, not because I am particularly interested in My Little Pony, and not because I am “just being nice.” There is another reason, and I don’t think of it as transactional or “playing a social game.”
If there is any point to my rambling it is that I find the either/or thinking of the question reductionist and over simplified. I think this is one of the aspects of autism that makes it a disorder or disability for some people, because the very rigid black and white thinking can create a lot of frustration when reality doesn’t conform to their internal strict rules.
What’s the other reason why you listen to them?
I explained it better in my other comment. In the case of Neighbor Lady, I like her and want to maintain a connection with her, even if I don’t have any real intrest in her quilting obsession.
For other people I don’t already know and have a relationship with, it is the practice of developing good affinity with others that is important. The way we treat others is a reflection of the relationship we have with our self. Doesn’t it make sense to be kind and open to my own self? I think it does. It follows for me that I should also be kind and open with others. They are not just objects that move around and do things in my environment. My “self” and other “selves” are all fingers of the same hand, to make a funny metaphor. That’s the other reason.
The framing of this question is interesting. “…or are you just being nice?” Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.
What the OP is saying is “do you really care” or are you feigning interest because it is the socially acceptable thing to do? That’s what “just being nice” means.
Yes, I get that, but it seems like for some people, possibly OP included, the socially acceptable thing to do is just an empty ritual, without meaning or purpose. That’s difficult for me to grasp, because it’s not meaningless empty ritual.
And also it’s the either/or aspect of it that I don’t like. When my Neighbor Lady starts talking to me about quilting, I really have no interest in quilting, but Neighbor Lady is important to me, I like her and I want to maintain a relationship with her. I don’t feign intrest in quilting, but because I care about Neighbor Lady i do want to hear what she has to say. So it’s not a binary thing like deep fascination with quilting / just being polite but not actually giving a shit.
I suppose I could have used less words to express that in my first post.
Fair enough. I find, for better or worse, there are very few people I care about to that extent.
When I visit with family this upcoming holiday season, I will do the kind thing and ask how things are going of my extended family. Not because I care, but because this is what is expected. My cousin is going to welcome his first child in the next few months. I am happy for him, and will offer my support in any way I can, but I don’t care about what he’s doing to prepare or “how he feels about being a dad.”
Edit: I still think your scenario falls under “you really care, you are not being nice” in this hypothetical.
