my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert. She feels insulted if I don’t share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.
I wrote mobbing because that’s what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she’ll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.
She doesn’t understand I need time alone to unwind.
She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.
I simply cannot win. It’s tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.
It makes me want to quit.
I don’t know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who’s not a teamplayer and use it against me.
Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I’ve been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
Simply hit them with a brick
You used a Germanism. Do you have a Betriebsrat?
Also, don’t make introversion your entire personality.
Provide her with some literature on introverts to read while you read your preferred material.
Can you just tell her that you like to have quiet time at lunch to recharge for the afternoon?
Just be honest and let him know you don’t want to talk about yourself/certain topics.
OP, I’d urge you to reconsider framing this whole thing as an “extrovert vs introvert” battle. Your boss is demonstrating poor boundaries and disrespectful and inappropriate behavior, and that has nothing to do with whether she’s an I or E on the Myers-Briggs.
Whether or not you go to HR depends a lot on your company culture. Either way, you need to be documenting specific comments and specific behaviors that are inappropriate first. Every time she asks you an uncomfortable question, especially if it relates to sex, write down what she asked, how you responded (that you declined to answer and asked her to stop asking personal questions), who else was present, and the date/time. Keep this in a personal account, not company. Do NOT go to HR without documentation.
We don’t know how big your company is, but odds are if she’s a middle manager she’s got people above her already who know she’s a gossip and hate that. If you have any relationship at all with her supervisor, it’s generally viewed as following the chain of command if you bring concerns like this directly to them, as well.
For the record, Introversion and Extroversion have a scientific basis. The Myers-Briggs does not.
If you’re in a reasonably sized company, do NOT go to HR. She might get fired for her behavior, you WILL be fired for starting a fire. HR does NOT like fires.
I had the good fortune to battle the CTO of a multinational who couldn’t keep his hands off the employees. Everyone was too afraid to speak up, I was not. The CTO was fired. One day after he fired me with the full support of HR, because “you are incompetent in your job”. Mind you this was after multiple stellar reviews of my local superiors
This is terrible advice.
OP needs to set boundaries in a paper traceable way after establishing then in person (an email of “dear boss lady, I want to eat lunch alone, kthxbye”), and track violations of those boundaries (dear boss lady, today you sat with me at lunch after I asked you not to, please explain why). (Obviously be more professional).
Then after a few violations, OP can go to HR because suddenly the boss lady is starting the fire; there is a clear history of personal boundaries not being maintained, leading to a hostile work environment.
This only doesn’t work when the company is like 5 people and HR is your boss’s cousin or whatever.
Like I said, whether you should go to HR will depend a lot on your company culture. In all the jobs I’ve worked, I’ve had HR departments that would’ve taken your complaint seriously and not allowed you to be retaliated against in that way. Btw, what you’re describing does sound like retaliation, which is totally a lawsuit you could pursue
Join a union if you haven’t already, talk to a union rep.
If you’re ok with being up front with people, you could just say “hey, do you mind giving me some alone time while I eat? It’s nothing personal, I just prefer to use this time to recharge by myself.”
If you’d prefer to manufacture an excuse, you could tell her you’re going to use your lunch hour to try a new mindfulness meditation technique you heard about, and need to avoid conversation during that time.
If you have the option to take your lunch somewhere else where she won’t find or bother you, that’s an option.
I think usually just keeping your nose in your book a few seconds too long before giving short answers to questions, then going right back to reading, is enough discomfort for a person like her that even if she didn’t get the hint that you don’t care to be bothered, she would at least prefer talking to someone else instead.
Just hold your ground and keep reading your book, eating alone etc. If someone enters personal territory, shut it down by being honest “I don’t want to talk about that” and move on. Resist peer pressure and be who you are, it’s the same as it was in school.
Also, talk to your coworkers (I know it’s hard) about whether they think it’s appropriate. You have an impression they’re on board with this level of “intimacy” but it’s possible they are just going along to get along.
If persisting doesn’t work then it’s probably time to find another job. Plenty of workplaces out there that just want you to do your job and no more.
HR is definitely not on your side either, unless you can point to specific violations of policy. They exist specifically to cover their own ass, not to actually make your life better.
This is something you bring up in your annual review if you can hold out that long. Reviews are supposed to be 2 way streets to make work & employees more effective.
Be polite but frank and firm. If you’re in California this is a huge no no, as anytime you’re interruptted during your unpaid lunch time by your supervisor or work, the clock starts again and you get that time for lunch guaranteed.
If you’re not in California, uhhhhhh…good luck.
A supervisor should understand the concept of respecting people’s boundaries. You could always say something like “Hey I’m not really in the mood to talk right now” or “This isn’t something I want to talk about”. Just a fair warning if you do this, you might get labeled as the odd one the same way you mentioned if you go to HR (the HR one would be a bit worse if I’m being honest).
People often do things they enjoy when connecting with others, tlhinking that is what others need–especially extroverts and mostly when they aren’t self-aware. e.g. when my wife heads out with friends she tries to plan things for me to do (or even friend hangouts) so I won’t be bored. But that is her as an extrovert thinking how she would be if I went out. I have to reexplain each time that I won’t be bored–i will catch up on reading, podcasts, bike ride, etc, enjoy some solitude, and if I felt the need then I would reach out to a friends.
You may need to have a candid chat and explain that as an introvert you need quiet alone time to recharge your battery–while extroverts charge their battery by being busy or outgoing.
Sounds like you need to communicate your desires. This is not limited to extroverts. It’s harder for us introverts but not impossible.
I’d ask for them to stop. If this isn’t followed, something written. If this isn’t followed, time to involve someone higher. I’m very reluctant to involve HR, they’re going to fuck with you very likely. However, your supervisor’s supervisor might be able to help. Important to slowly escalate and make a paper trail if the initial verbal ask doesn’t work out.
Also, did I read that correctly that sex is being discussed? As in sexual intercourse?
Do you work somewhere where you can escape for an hour over lunch, perhaps? Like go to the gym or something? Out of sight out of mind.
I totally get the feeling of being mobbed, but to be honest find a way to cope with it at work. A lot of work places are by definition social places so it’s going to be really hard avoiding interactions all the time. Maybe go for a walk with a podcast or something?
Good luck 🤞.
Sheila, I’m a very private person and I would like to keep my work and home life separated. I need that to feel comfortable. I’m here to get work done and happy to talk about anything omnoir work.
