Thanks for posting this, it’s truly helpful. I’m trying similar methods with a few friends who have lots of wonderful qualities but also some weird bigotries. The hardest thing is controlling my anger - their views have real, damaging consequences for people who have done them no harm, whom they have never even met. But you’re right, an angry reproach feels like an attack and can have the opposite effect.
i tried a lot of things for a lot of years and the only thing I’ve ever seen actually change someone’s mind or behavior is a concise, unambiguous statement of one’s own conflicting positive perspective and then leaving it alone until the bigot grows curious enough that you’re not tacitly agreeing with their prejudice that they feel compelled to examine the issue.
after several instances, I’ll get a pause and then: “but really, women are…, right?” or “but black culture is…, right” and then its “no, i dont think so”, “not any more than…” or the like.
Not tacitly agreeing with prejudice makes it a lot harder to make and keep friends with literally everyone these days, but at least I don’t have to say “yeah, i guess so…” and feel kind of shitty to be agreeing with something I don’t believe just to stay in a friend circle.
Thanks for posting this, it’s truly helpful. I’m trying similar methods with a few friends who have lots of wonderful qualities but also some weird bigotries. The hardest thing is controlling my anger - their views have real, damaging consequences for people who have done them no harm, whom they have never even met. But you’re right, an angry reproach feels like an attack and can have the opposite effect.
thanks, thats good to hear.
i tried a lot of things for a lot of years and the only thing I’ve ever seen actually change someone’s mind or behavior is a concise, unambiguous statement of one’s own conflicting positive perspective and then leaving it alone until the bigot grows curious enough that you’re not tacitly agreeing with their prejudice that they feel compelled to examine the issue.
after several instances, I’ll get a pause and then: “but really, women are…, right?” or “but black culture is…, right” and then its “no, i dont think so”, “not any more than…” or the like.
Not tacitly agreeing with prejudice makes it a lot harder to make and keep friends with literally everyone these days, but at least I don’t have to say “yeah, i guess so…” and feel kind of shitty to be agreeing with something I don’t believe just to stay in a friend circle.