I’m an ex incel myself, but I’ve been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. “I’m not attractive enough”, “I don’t socialize correctly”, “I’ll never find a woman” - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.
Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.
I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I’m now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.
So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what’s your story?
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Men: Stop fixating on the need to “get a woman”. Procreation is not how to win at life. No one virtuous is keeping score like that. All that “alpha/omega” stuff is trash. Stop everything you’re doing, trying and striving for. Spend some time genuinely at rest, not fixating on sex or work or entertainment or fitness, and think about yourself.
Really examine the person that you are. Think about the good that you’ve done. Think about the harm that you’ve caused. Think of how you can nudge yourself towards being a better person; someone who is considerate to others feelings, someone who can help without expecting reciprocation. Start doing that stuff. Your reward for this work is inner peace, not babes and money and success.
Self-reflection leaning towards kindness, forgiveness and genuine curiosity about yourself is the key to being the best you that you can be.
It will take a long time. When you get frustrated, ask yourself what kind of reward you’re expecting. If that reward is anything besides “being a happier, more satisfied me”, work on refocusing yourself.
Living like this will catch people’s attention. A word of warning: some will be emotional vampires who want to take advantage of you, and you’ll unfortunately have to live through a few relationships with those before you recognize them. But other people, more well-adjusted folks, will notice as well. Those are the kinds of people who can become life-long friends. And, in my experience, that’s where loving relationships start.
Who knows? You might uncover some really important things about yourself along the way that you never realized were there before.
Some people like just negated into that way of thinking. I’m anti social and aware that I’m not a good person. That doesn’t mean that I wanna change. There’s a lot of way more awful and disgusting people out there getting laid, why not me?
The fact of life is that some people are just cursed to be alone.
Well said, thank you.
Self reflection can be a hard road. It’s not easy to admit that you aren’t the person you think you are, or worse that people think of you differently than you think they should - but if you embrace that and tackle it head on, truly wanting to be better, you can end up in a much better place.
A pithy way to say this is: “chase girls and they’ll run away. Chase your dreams and the girls will chase you.”
I was like that for a long time. I think I solved my problem by mostly thinking about my situation and the reasons for it and managed to separate fact from fiction. Something that also played a role was to - for a while - literally giving up. For a while I thought I would stay alone forever. For a while I was able to relax a little and not be that desparate, stressed guy who thought his time was running out. Who had to always think about opportunities to meet someone. I could just be myself. Desparation isn’t a very attractive trait. I realized that there actually where quite a few women who seemed to show interest in me, but I never was able to see it, because I felt so beneath them. Them showing interest in me was unbelievable. In times where I didn’t try to desparately meet women or get them to be interested in me I was much better at talking and being interested.
I think I was lucky in having a rather rational way of thinking about problems. That’s how i was able to understand myself and find a way out of this whole. What were the things that (I think) got me out of it:
- I was able to think of women as just other humans.
- They are not automatically miles above me and i would have to hope to get their attention out of luck
- They sometimes are as desparate or unsure of themselves as I was. They were actually pretty glad if I was showing interest in them (previously I never dared to talk to them just for the sake of it, because I feared they would be annoyed as they would always be talked to by idiots like me).
- I remembered something someone said to me as a teenager: " You will make 10 times as many friends in the time you try to get people to be interested in you If you instead show interest in other people". I realized that for a long while I had the mindset of “please pick me!” when i thought about women. I was the low being who would have to hope to be chosen. I was thinking about wearing interesting shirts, or doing interesting things so that someone of the “upper class” would find me worthy enough and talk to me. Only late in life I realized that other people - especially women - weren’t some higher level being - some mythical alien creatures. They were a lot like myself, yearning to be recognized by other human beings. And that I wasn’t that low as well and a lot of other people - especially ( again:) women - were quite happy if I showed interest in them. So for anyone reading this: It might be strange to ask other people their name or from where they are, what they do, what they like. what problems they have. But after a while your thinking changes. Then you might actually genuinely be interested in them. And a lot of them greatly appreaciates it. So: try to be for other people what you want them to be to you. And don’t only talk to people who you want to get into bed. Just expand your perspective. talk to people.
It’s mostly just the mindset. If you’re thinking your worthless and other people are unreachable, then your behavior will mirror this thinking.
Another thing: I am quite glad that when I had this phase in my life “incel” culture wasn’t a thing. At least there were no dark corners in the Internet offering me easy explanations for my problems. I came from a strange place, believing that women where heavenly creatures miles above my sorry existence, so maybe not that typical incel-vibe, but I am still not 100% sure that these women-hating incel-idiots would have turned me against 50% of the population.
I met practically a femcel who’s very sweet and we were very respectful with each other and clicked with one another which changed my view on women.
Can you elaborate? I thought incels and femcels are arch nemeses.
So it’s not that we identified as femcel and incel to each other, just later on we began talking about ourselves more openly. I made a post to talk to people while doing an activity together and she’s one of the first to message me (I didn’t even know she was female until I heard her voice). We were both very respectful to each other anyway, as I think we both took it as an opportunity to get away from our own loneliness.
Also we’re not the usual type of “incels” (we’re both attractive), it’s more like the circumstances we’re in, what we went through, and our personalities that led to that
How are people who hate each other based on their gender end up meeting & being respectful to each other?
I don’t think I was ever an incel, but back in 2011-12, I was being “red-pilled” on facebook. Goshdarned wimminz, they ruined everything!
The first thing I want to say is how fucking ashamed I am to have fallen for that shit back then and I’m really fucking glad I managed to get out soon-ish. Perhaps ironically, what kept my sanity intact was that I was a very common target of “real men” because the FB groups would often attack the political left and communism with some of the stupidest takes I’ve seen in my life, like “Every failed African country is communist” or “Nazism was left leaning, it’s National SOCIALISM!!!” - Younger me would see that shit, get pissed and write how wrong that was, which has led me to being banned from 2 groups back then.
Now, how did I even end up there in the first place? Well, as nearly everyone else, I suppose, it felt like I wasn’t getting what “the world” had promised me, a cis white man: a woman. I’m not bad looking, but my manners and social skill were caveman level for the most part, I rarely, if ever, thought about others, I just made rude remarks left and right because “haha fuck you”. Of course, back then, I was deluded and saw myself as a gentleman, that disconnect between my own perception and reality (aka how others saw me) no doubt played a huge part in me feeling that I was wronged, that I wasn’t getting any because of some fault within the system instead of myself. Once you’re in this mindset, seeing posts that blame women for your problems make a lot of sense. It’s not that I’m rude and deluded, it’s women that are too picky, it’s women that have terrible taste and go for “obviously low quality males”, it’s women that just want a man they can easily manipulate, etc etc.
As I always fancied myself as left leaning politically, anything that was more political than “personal”, like posts about women in the workforce (women should receive less because they’ll ALWAYS get pregnant!), I’d just ignore and think they were stretching things a bit.
SOOO, I got out of that. My recommendation for anyone that wants to get out of that mindset, the first thing I tell you is: stop fucking following and taking in ANY such incel content. Literally block everything that can remind you of that shit. That’s step one. You don’t need that in your life, you don’t need to feel like you’re in that specific group of losers. There are many better groups of “losers” to be part of
Second, reassess yourself and compare how you view yourself vs reality, how others look at you. In a 10 second interaction with a random person on the street, what would they likely think of you? Any answer that is too extreme on the positive or negative means you’re very likely deluded as I was with myself.
Third, and perhaps most important, when it comes to having any relationship, amorous or not, is: what makes you interesting? “Nothing”? Then you better work on something, anything. Just because you’re into nerd shit doesn’t mean you have to be a nerd shit. I love anime, I love videogames, boardgames, tabletop RPGs, but I never undersell them as nerd shit, I always prop those things as these amazing hobbies I want to SHARE with others, and I’m always 100% ok with people that don’t like them or don’t want to try them (the latter mostly because of all the bad rep thanks to toxic nerd shits)
Adding to the “what makes you interesting”, expand your horizons a bit. Try something new and different, look for any group activities that are cheap or free near your job or your home. You are not the things you like, the things you like are part of what makes you you. You change, your tastes change, you grow up, don’t think current you is too precious to change.
Hmmm.
I never fell into the whole “the system is against me” idea, but I do struggle with self confidence.
But you have a point there. If they are interesting to me, maybe I should share them more and ignore the inner voice of my ex cutting me down. Recently a friend told me “look, you aren’t an incel in the slightest, but your look gives off incel vibes.” It hurt, but she was right. I just needed to dress like I care a little. which isn’t that hard.
It’s not like I really consider myself a nerd. I like painting minis way more than the game. I’m not great at video games, I just really enjoy the stories you can tell. I love science and history, and get way excited about things. I like hitting a golf ball and enjoy watching baseball.
Maybe you opened my eyes to a better me just now. Maybe it’s more I need to find joy in the things I like, rather than just doing them.
I’ll never be a professional painter. But the things I paint look cool. I’ll never get into the PGA, but a birdie is always a brag.
If I like me, others can like me too maybe.
I like painting minis way more than the game. I’m not great at video games, I just really enjoy the stories you can tell.
Miniature painting is an amazing hobby to show people, everyone always gets amazed because “it’s so small! How do you do it?” - even if your painting skills are subpar, simply being able to do anything is already enough to amaze anyone outside the hobby
For videogames, I personally love anything that can be cooperative and/or chaotic. For story focused games, talking about the characters tends to be what gets people more interested in participating, much like fans of any movie or show enjoy talking about them. As proof: Tali Zora is the best girl in Mass Effect, Picard is the best Star Trek captain because he’s pragmatic.
Humans naturally love gossip! The key difference that can lead to interesting chats is asking people who “don’t like games”: “if you could control character ABC from the show, what would you do different?”, that’s usually what makes them understand why games with a story can be so interesting to play
Maybe you opened my eyes to a better me just now. Maybe it’s more I need to find joy in the things I like, rather than just doing them. (…) If I like me, others can like me too.
Understanding and being able to explain why you like your stuff can certainly help, as you can then properly share with others why you like it, you understand the value of your skill and indeed, when you know your value, it’s easier to like yourself. I really hope all these insights help you figure your own self 😊 (and anyone else that might be reading)
Just popping by to also say I’m proud of you.
First, I just wanted to say I am very proud of you. This is all tough to admit, and I really hope you share your story more. The fact you got yourself out is huge, and could really change things for others suffering from incel-dom.
Second, “You are not the things you like, the things you like are part of what makes you you. You change, your tastes change, you grow up, don’t think current you is too precious to change.” is a pretty great line.
Thanks. I can’t even say that my life was shit back then, I always had a comfortable lower middle class environment, but due to a number of less than ideal family interactions and lack of self awareness (or maybe, just a lack of general maturity), I ended up in that hole. Calling women bitches and every other type of misogynistic name felt like a relief, that I was getting back at who wronged me. Again, when you’re in that kind of deluded mindset, it makes sense. I got a girlfriend around 3 years after leaving those groups and I told her about this dark time I had, and I’m grateful that she could see from my actions that I wasn’t that piece of shit anymore, she barely even believed that I ever got there.
I understand that not everyone will get out by themselves, some people will need external help, but anyone that feels like that something doesn’t feel quite right in one specific post or another, there’s hope they might get out of that. Like I said, the main thing that drove me away was that their general, ass-sourced toxicity turned against me because I was a stinky commie, but there were other stinky commies that ate that up and preferred to keep seeing women as inferior.
On that line, the last part is what I felt a lot about myself, I often feared that I would “change too much” or that I “wouldn’t be myself” anymore, completely ignoring that I was already different from whatever I was 4 years before that, which was also different from 4 years prior, and so on. Small epiphanies that helped me make sense of myself.
Hey I just wanted to say I think this is a beautiful post, and I’m sorry I somehow checked it off without seeing it. Thank you so much for sharing this, I hope it helps someone going through what you were.
Thank you for your honesty and your story. I can agree that’s one of the ways I got into it, I viewed myself as a catch and women had been conditioned to not want me, such a good person. The whole thing too, it’s their fault for not realizing that it should be a good person instead of a hot person.
Of course it never crossed my mind back then that they were with good people, and maybe I wasn’t as great as I thought I was. I’m still pudgy and I still am bit too sarcastic, but that doesn’t matter, my horrid views on women and myself did enough damage back then.
Also all great advice. “Nice” isn’t a personality. Nice is the bare minimum. You need to be a person, hobbies and geeky things are great. My wife and I started chatting because I talked about music I liked and lord of the rings lore. You are expected to be nice, it’s a personality trait, one part of your personality.
I thought to myself “no cap this kinda mid fr fr on… ratio” and pussy appeared.
I don’t know if I’d have considered myself an incel, but there’s definite cringe behavior in my past that would at least fall under incel behavior.
Thinking about it now, I was just too focused on being what I thought would make me attractive to someone, mostly based on listening to other guys or media, and not actually getting to know the people I wanted to date and finding out what they wanted.
I saw the people I liked more as a goal to reach in some gamified system, rather than as just another person who wanted to meet someone nice. Just not a lot of empathy going on. You can’t just grind to an ideal character build and have some formula say, ok you’ve met the requirements, here is your achievement trophy.
I’ll assume you want an actual partner, and not just a fling, so it’s going to be platonic one on one time that’s going to get you closer to your goals. The “friend zone” is not a trap. The “friend zone” is a power up. You’re spending time with someone you like. That’s a win. Even if you aren’t dating them, you’ve managed to find someone who wants to spend time with you and get to know you. It’s getting you interacting better with other people and hopefully understanding and accommodating them better, not you just being self centered. It’s making you a more interesting and rounded person. That guy is the real thing the right person will eventually want to date.
You trying to date that particular person probably wouldn’t work out, and being their friend is still a positive thing to your life. It’s someone to commiserate with, to get to know your actions around a girl you can have mutual respect for, to learn what girls you like really care about and want to see in a relationship. She doesn’t owe you love for you time. You owe her respect for her time, and she will give that back to you. It’s the same as a guy friend. It’s another member for your party. That’s a strength, not a loss.
Spend time with women without there being an ulterior motive, and you will learn a lot. For me, I liked strong willed, assertive women, and well… that lead me to get to know a lot of women that had no interest in men in that way, so it eliminated the whole dating part of the equation, and that took a lot of the pressure off there for trying to “win them over” in that regard, and to just learn women are people just like me, with the some wants, needs, confusion about dating, and all that.
I ended up also finally talking to my doctor about depression, and that was the life altering experience that really made everything fall into place. My shit behavior, past and present at the time, was all my fault, but it turns out I had some things really stacked against me with my ability to cope and develop emotionally, that once I got that fixed, was a huge burden lifted from me.
Once that was dealt with, I was in a whole new world and all relationships became much easier to understand. Guys and girls became all of a sudden much more relatable and understandable, and I was able to process other people’s wants and needs instead of just my own, and it had taken too much of my resources just to make myself a barely functional person.
I became able to learn empathy and that helped me become someone people were interested in knowing and loving, in friendship or in dating. It helps build and maintain good relationships. I can better know what I want, and how to better understand someone else’s wants.
I feel the incel/nice guy behavior is largely just people with underlying emotional issues they haven’t figured out. You’ve got to realize other people won’t complete you or can’t be that missing piece. That’s something you’ve got to figure out first. If that’s getting meds to give you an even playing field, going to therapy, are just having someone you’re accountable to to fix your shit behavior, ego, or selfishness, do what it takes to address it. Everything else is you making excuses, and until you fix that roadblock in yourself to building those deeper relationships, you’re never going to have success.
I look back, and regret so much of my life now, but what’s done is done, and I can at least know I never want to act anywhere near that cringe again! But I can recognize it now, and stop it dead. I too just try to share my story when asked, and I hope to help save them some of that embarrassment and regret.
Thank you for opening up, I feel like your story (while I know is very personal to you), is one of many that many men feel, but are too nervous to confront. I think you hit the nail on the head. A relationship in the moment feels like the thing you need, but what you’re actually needing is to feel content with yourself first. Once you work on yourself everything else falls into place.
But you have to want to want that change, the world won’t do it for you
Much like anything else, having that strong foundation of physical, emotional, and spiritual health within yourself is going to make adding outside relationships much easier.
It’s not like you have to be anywhere near perfect; you just needs to know your strengths and limitations. Having a personal handicap in common with someone can be a bond, or having complementary quirks can sometimes strengthen things for both of you if you are healthy about it. Like someone that knows they spend too much but has poor impulse control and someone that is too restrictive and needs some to say it’s ok to reward yourself occasionally.
We all just want happiness, and we think getting a girl, a fancy house/car, a pet, a child, whatever it is will fill that hole inside. But the problem is within, and that is where the solution needs to come from.
When you rely on someone outside to complete you, you end up being that person that’s drowning, and your struggle ends up taking your would-be rescuer down with you instead. Other people don’t deserve suffering to try to fix you. Some may try, but that is seldom very successful, and you’ll often just hurt those you care about. I’ve lost many friends and girlfriends that way.
I think it’s important to talk about these things, especially with other men. I grew up around selfish parents and never got to spend much time with people my own age, learning how to interact, and looking out only for me was a survival instinct. I felt it was weak to rely on others, to get help, to feel sad, etc. It was all really self destructive things, and I still have to fight constantly with myself trying to break free of it and enjoy my life. It makes it therapeutic to talk about it whenever it comes up, because it shows me in a good way my situation wasn’t unique and others are in the same position. We can help each other get through it, and I’m not the type to pull the ladder up behind me and leave you to your own fate.
As I said, I will never shake all the shitty things inside to people I cared about, and I can’t fix most of those broken bonds of trust, but I can talk myself through my emotional scars with you all, and hopefully help you do less damage to yourselves. Trying to prevent some of this from repeating to someone else is about the only way to make up to myself for things I’ve done.
When you rely on someone outside to complete you, you end up being that person that’s drowning, and your struggle ends up taking your would-be rescuer down with you instead. Other people don’t deserve suffering to try to fix you.
But isn’t the most effective way to prevent others from being harmed due to your own issues to simply isolate yourself from people who would potentially care? You cannot harm anyone but yourself if there is no one to see you struggling and trying to help.
None of your friends could possibly be hurt if you had zero friends.
I’ve gone through periods of time like that, but I don’t feel it’s necessarily the healthiest way to go. If you want to be isolated and dwell in depression, that’s absolutely a choice. I always felt better though spending time with either my brother or my one lifelong friend when things got that bad. I don’t think humans are meant to be totally alone for long.
Additionally, if you’re looking to improve your situation, being alone where it was just me and my self-destructive thoughts wasn’t the most productive environment. Ideally, you would be continuing to learn to be better around those people. Keeping isolated is just going to keep you comfortable alienating people.
Still trying to find that out. A harsh lesson I learned a while ago is to not open up about your frustrations because you’re only going to make yourself a target.
I recently paid £90 for a three month Hinge X subscription and even after two weeks of near-constant use, I’ve had zero new matches. I’m starting to think that my Hinge profile may be shadowbanned and that Match Group actually scammed me.
On two online dating subreddits I posted screenshots of my profile and asked for advice. One was given a very harsh and rude response by a power tripping cuck of a moderator and was swiftly removed for reasons I don’t understand. Apparently I didn’t fully read the Great Text Wall of China he erected on the stickied thread. No use arguing with him because I feel like he’s one of those pricks who will just ban and modmail mute me. The other one got downvoted with no reply whatsoever.
Bad experiences with the Reddit community aside, I’ve been frustrated with women and how they treated me, but even I look at a lot of incel forums and their misogynist rhetoric with disgust.
The most I got involved with the manosphere was posting in r/TheRedPill a decade ago. I left that community because it was becoming increasingly toxic, and when I found out about the beliefs of some of their biggest influencers (i.e. Roosh V being an advocate for legalizing spousal rape), I felt like I wanted nothing more to do with them.
Vulnerability is attractive. But not trauma dumping.
There’s a time and a place. So don’t be afraid of opening up, you just have to do it in an attempt to connect with people. Not to try and abuse their attention for validation.
Secondly, never pay for an app membership. It’s not worth it and you’re getting the wrong idea how it works.
Make a casual profile with some good pictures and send casual messages. Try to be light hearted and show a little bit of personality.
That’s all you need. Anything more is a red flag to most women. Realize they are trying to sift through hundreds of people. They maybe have a few seconds to look through your profile.
Also stop using the word cuck. Don’t be terminally online and read some books. Expand your perspective. Women are attracted to empathetic and intelligent men. Someone who pays attention and listens. They will give you a lot if you give it back.
You raised a very important point, as I see it.
One thing we should remember is that incels become so not through the evil hearts, but through disappointment in society in general and women in particular.
Blaming incels only makes it worse, in a way.
Calling out? Good, especially in private. Going hostile? No, thanks. While incel mentality may often make a person aggressive, this is absolutely the case when return aggression is more of a reinforcement than anything.
For you personally I wish to find the person who fits and likes you. I would warn against dating services, though, as they are known drivers of frustration - and they are designed to keep you hooked, which means not actually giving you the person you’ll love (and leave the service for good). Communities around common interests seem to me like the best place to find both friends and lovers.
Not an Incel, usually I have great interactions with women IRL and it more often than not lead to dates and relationships. What I absolutely suck at is meeting people.
I’m currently desperately trying to figure out how to meet more people kinda in general. I have a solid friend group a mix of married, single, and in-relationship people but all our hobbies usually aren’t conducive to meeting people. I’ve recently joined a 20s & 30s meet up group for random activities to hopefully meet some people and I’ve been trying to casually read or stuff in local places like Barnes and Nobel. It just feels hard to interact with strangers nowadays if there’s no medium to start the conversation.
I’ve looked into volunteering but all the opportunities are during my work hours so that’s out unfortunately. I’m an introvert so usually bars and the like are out of the question for me. Kinda just stuck. My life otherwise is actually in a pretty decent spot overall
Not an incel but someone on the trans-and-women-hating pick me pipeline: Got into a fight with a Reddit mod about autism. I’m autistic and ended up arguing with a sub’s mod about how not all autistic people are special snowflake tumblerinas. Left such a bad taste in my mouth that I stopped going to the sub, which was my main source of hate content. Let me get exposed to other viewpoints and ultimately I came out as nonbinary after previously saying nonbinary people weren’t real.
Denial is a common way to cope with all sorts of dysphoria when societal pressure is applied and can influence your decisions.
Congrats on coming out and coming to terms with yourself!
Honestly… Two years in prison. Made me grow up and see how shitty I was as a person.
Mind if I ask you more? What was the nature of crime? How do you feel it changed you? It’s very rare nowadays to see stories of people who feel prison actually helped them becoming better people, and I’d love to know more.
Of course, only if you feel like talking about it; if not, this is alright!
I took estrogen.
I was like fuck them they are so pretty 😭 Now I am pretty yayI read the last line in Mysticats voice lol
I feel that “I’m not pretty” stuff too!
But wary of taking estrogen and going with transitioning for social reasons and also because I kinda want to remain sexually active and keep a solid dick lol
So, crossdressing and some makeup it is!
I’d kill myself sooner than see myself in the mirror as an old man one day. It’s pretty easy indicator. Old woman - yeah whatever could be nice, old man - no fucking way brr
And social things, yeah well this is admittedly something that is problematic but I am a firm believer that if you are confident enough, you can get away with just about anything.
I am just me, Emmie, hello. Nothing less or more and the rest anyone can make up in their heads as they see fit. Not my business
Cool!
In any case, I admire your bravery and the firm dedication to be yourself. I wish you the best of luck!
Hell yeah! Be pretty!
No but seriously I was kinda incel once. I barely can remember that time but it involved lots of substances, clubs and things that were supposed to make you manly. Other people enjoyed them, me? I only wanted these things to make me more manly. I thought it can be learned or acquired with enough cigarettes, beer and calling people names and doing stupid ‘acts of masculinity’. I mistook antisocial for masculine I think in this pursuit.
When I felt empathy? again at 27 years old it was amazing. Like a blind person who has seen colours first time since losing them at the young age.It’s truly amazing that we are capable of caring and this deep connection as humans and I don’t think there’s anything more worthwhile.
Took a flight overseas.
Thailand? Japan?
'Nam.
Missouri 🤣
So you’re saying he has cousins there?
Had sex
did you delete Facebook and lawyered up?
Facebook up, hit the lawyer, delete gym.
Honestly, I touched grass and made some good good friends. I matured and realized incel shit wasent very cash money. I wasent full incel but I was definitely on the path. I worked on myself a lot and really grew into just enjoying my hobbies. I learned that I wasent mature enough for a relationship and didn’t respect myself enough. I still have a lot to learn and will continue to learn and grow. Currently im in a nice relationship and around good friends
I don’t know if this counts since I was never the women hating type, but for a long time I suffered because I couldn’t figure out a way to have a girlfriend.
How I dealt with it? Understanding myself, mechanisms of social pressure, and the wrong motives I had for wanting to have a girlfriend.
It was always about proving something to others, rather than actually finding a life partner. Everyone around me constantly pestered me to find a gf, friends, family … All the media celebrates certain kinds of romantic relationships. I thought I’m worthless if I don’t do it as well.
Changing that mindset transformed me - I don’t have to put myself in situations I’m uncomfortable with, and I don’t have to pursue types of relationships defined by others.
