This might sound like a silly question, but I’m genuinely asking. I’m 20 and don’t have much dating experience. I’ve been with this man for over a year now, and it’s honestly been the best time of my life so far. I didn’t go looking for this relationship, it just happened. I come from a lower-middle-class background, and he’s well-off. Because of that, we’ve been able to do things I’ve always wanted to do but could never afford before. He also buys me things, even though I never ask. On top of that, my dad has always been awful, and in some ways, my boyfriend feels like the father figure I never had. I do love him, but if I think about it deeply, it gets a little blurry, because it’s a mix of feelings. I’m not a bad person, and I would never want to “use” anyone.
Because neither of us had money when we got married. 🤷♂️
That was my answer to the question without reading farther.
I’d say go do stuff together. Spend time with them and don’t spend money, then see how you feel.
To be honest, this kind of area gets slightly more defined by around 25, but becomes more easily understood between 30-40yo. From that perspective, it doesn’t really matter. You are a product of your environment and your opportunities. Appreciate all that you have and make the best decisions in the moment. Live with no regrets. You will not regret the person that wants to spend money and do things with you.
Try not to let other people consume you or overpower your self growth and development. Thinking within this framework, you define who you are; your ethics, values, and morals. Maintaining and growing who you are is the big difference maker. Your opportunities or challenges should not change your values.
Like I have been physically disabled for over 11 years. I have had to reinvent who I am. In that experience I learned that curiosity is the real secret to survival. It is the one thing you can use in any situation to motivate yourself to keep going. Even if you were diagnosed with ALS and were in a situation like Stephen Hawking was in, curiosity is a refuge for the mind to explore. I could motivate myself through curiosity even if I was in solitary confinement. If you gave me a hundred million dollars, I could afford a lot more things to be curious about, but fundamentally, my values would not change. I would still care about my neighbors, digital or otherwise. I would still motivate myself primarily by curiosity.
Your biggest struggles in life are what give you the most insight and empathy. If you live your life on a silver platter, you may need to find your own struggles instead of your struggles finding you. Neither is better or worse than the other. Likely, you are in need of growth; of finding your next struggle. You are valid to go in search of that next epic of growth. You do not need to push away someone that cares just so that your struggles find you. As you get older, friends quickly dwindle, likewise with opportunities. Take advantage of every opportunity you have at your age, they are more fleeting than it may seem.
I don’t really believe in disney style everlasting romantic “soul mate” type love. As in you’re trying to apply a loosely defined social construct to your emotions, feelings, thoughts, and hormones… it’s just not going to make sense.
I think a better question is whether you’re misleading your partner for personal gain. It sounds like the answer to that is no.
However, you do need to consider whether there’s a power imbalance, and what the implications of that might be in the future. Most bad relationship situations tend to happen where one or other person doesn’t have the same agency as the other. When a partner is wealthier or older or even just better employed, you can find yourself having to be submissive at every moment.
He’s probably not 20 like yourself if he’s that well-off and you consider him a “father figure”
I wonder what the 3 other removed posts of this 2 days old account were.
Our brains are not good at separating things like that. You may not know for sure unless you go through a period where you’re collectively financially constrained.
But introspection is better than nothing! And with time you have the material needed for introspection to be useful. So give it a couple more years to allow the honeymoon period to dissipate, and keep thinking. Don’t sweat it in the meantime because what you feel is real no matter what causes it, but it’s good to think about it you’re considering marriage or children.
There’s a difference between “using someone for their money” and “I enjoy my relationship with this person more than I otherwise would because they have the resources to provide more things for me”. You can’t honestly evaluate what your relationship would be like without his money, but you didn’t get into it for the money, and it doesn’t sound like you take advantage of him.
Being provided for is a biological urge that predates civilization and goes back to our lower primate kin. I don’t think it makes you a gold digger or a bad person to enjoy being provided for.
Yeah its only bad if its the only thing you’re looking for. As always its about nuance
