Today, a particularly nice afternoon with some tea and a good book made me aware of one of the greatest things about transition for me: Allowing myself to be soft and permitting softness in my life.
Pre-transition I always felt this toxic need to be hard, to be a man, to be strong and never show emotion. I was trapped in the narrow role men are allowed in cishet-normative society. I felt like the world wanted me to be this boulder without feelings. I even went to the gym to “toughen up”, I never went out of my way to make my apartment more comfortable, I never sent heart emojis, I didn’t empathise with others nearly as much as I do now.
Now, a year and a half into medical transition and a good two years into social transition, I am so so soft. Physically as well was emotionally and spiritually. My hands are soft, uncallused. My nails are so pretty. My skin is soft. I adore soft fabrics, I’m currently wearing velvet pants that just spark joy. I love curling up in bed in soft blankets, with plushies. I love warmth. I love the feeling of my soft rug when I get out of bed. I allow myself to be soft, to cry when hurt, to feel my emotions. Hell, to feel, at all! I love texting my friends cute things, I love lifting them up and making them feel good when I say I love them. I don’t feel bad when I complain about something being hard or cold or unpleasant. I’m a softie, and that’s not only okay, that’s great!
Feel free to comment if you’ve had a similar (or different!) experience :) Just sharing a conversation starter here.
I am cis, and that was a very important self-actualisation and self-discovery path. I was the quiet shy kid in high school. Luckily, I had some amazing friends that brought me out of my shell and accepted whatever came out. Over time (so much time!) I finally embraced weirdness and random thoughts, and acting on them. It’s incredibly freeing to just do what you want to do! I’m a “serious person” with a “serious job”, I still paint my hair silly colors and do whatever I feel like!