Whether she’s right or not, you’re definitely making an error here. Let me explain:

No, the first one is definitely not gaslighting. Gaslighting is making you question (perceived) reality. Like you explained further down. And in this case she might as well be insecure, or afraid of you (because of her past possibly, it doesn’t necessarily have to do with you, she could very well have past trauma from other people and fall back into that kind of thinking. Being bullied before… etc.) And something hypothetical and a subjective emotion isn’t reality, so the term doesn’t apply to this.

And I’m also not sure about the next example… If you’re getting into an argument… “Humoring her” and pushing her into a corner (argumentatively)… That’s not super healthy and straightforward. People do all kinds of things when pushed. They’ll argue and sometimes use fallacies and invalid arguments. But that’s more because you’re pushing and teasing her. Not necessarily malice or a manipulation technique. She might as well not see other responses. Judge her under normal circumstances. In everyday life, not just in the bad situations.

It feels like there also are some unhealthy vibes coming from you. You’re not really listening but set on the fact that it’s gaslighting. So you’re the opposite of open and approachable concerning what’s the ‘real’ reality. And already that isn’t a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

Obviously she’s insecure about something. Have you tried talking about that? And why she feels that way? Or are you just attributing everything to malice?

And most importantly: You have to draw a distinct line between facts and emotion. If you’re violent or what you did yesterday is a fact. That’s objective and can be either true or wrong. An emotion however, isn’t a fact. It can’t be wrong per definition. And everyone is entitled to feel things. They’re automatically correct. I can feel threatened, sad, thirsty… All kinds of things despite a situation calling for the opposite feeling. That’s how the human mind works. And sometimes feelings are counterfactual. You absolutely have to allow people to feel things.

And you have to address them. If you go ahead and say: “No, you can’t feel that way…” Now you’re the one gaslighting her. Because if she isn’t lying and really feels insecure or threatened… And you’re now invalidating her feelings and say she can’t feel that way. I’m sorry, that is gaslighting from your side! She clearly feeling something and you’re saying it can’t be true… That’s gaslighting.

The correct approach is to talk to each other. But in a healthy way. Validate her. Say you respect her and accept that she’s a human and feels things. Ask her why she feels that way because you’re pretty sure you’re not violent at all. And then for god’s sake, don’t push her into a corner and squeeze information out of her. Just listen…

So… I’m not saying she is or is not gaslighting. I’m not sure because all I know is your side. But it really feels like you’re contributing to making things worse. I also don’t attribute malice to you, you also have your past and maybe your feelings are valid because you’ve been gaslighted before and are (undestabdably) sensitive for that whole topic. And all you can do is choose how to react to that. I’d say you got to find a way to respect each others feelings, or the relationship is bound to fail.