read right as polite, because they get offended easily.

I’m a male nurse in a predominantly female unit.

How I see a job: I’m there to work and go home and don’t want to socialize. Each of my coworkers is welcomed to talk about work with me, but I don’t disclose my personal life, age or life goals with them. Work and let me work. If you need help, call me, we’ll work together.

How my unit works: there is a group that’s childish and gossipy, don’t know boundaries and act like a clique, but maybe 50% of the unit are people that work and let me work, help me and I help them (with the gossip clique this is not always the case).

I was sick for 4 weeks and I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to establish boundaries, something I’ve never done at my current unit. Why now? Being sick I had time to think what I don’t want in my life: faking interest in the sexual life or my coworkers, knowing who started dating who or what they think of Biden or the second amendment ain’t things I care about. I’ve had a coworker trying to find me a girlfriend a week after knowing me. No thanks.

I’m entertaining other job prospects and I still don’t know if I’m gonna jump ship, so for the time being, I’m here. Where I work I’m forced to eat with the rest of the team, including the gossips, so I’m trapped (because if I don’t eat with them they’ll start asking why I’m so unfriendly or if I’m angry at them and feel offended, they simply cannot understand that sometimes I want time to unwind without them).

What I think I could tell them, next time they start with their inquisitive questions:

‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’

‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.

‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’

‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

should they keep pestering:

‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else.

And if they pester yet again:

‘leave me alone’

if by this point some of them start giving me the evil eye and afterwards start ignoring me or treat me differently, time to accelerate my transfer to another unit.

If you like keeping boundaries with your coworkers, what do you tell them that works?

  • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
    0·
    4 months ago

    thank you for your detailed answer.

    I don’t know if you resent the idea that your reasons have to be socially acceptable to these guys or should have to be massaged to avoid them taking things personally, but ask yourself this: do you want to teach them a lesson and demonstrate your contempt for them, or do you want to just be left alone to work and to continue to work effectively with them? Pragmatism over principle would make sense here.

    my reasons have to be acceptable to them, because otherwise, they’ll feel offended. And this is not a group of adults capable of separating work from personal life, they perceive slights very easily and once they feel offended, they lash out and use any pretext to not help with patients and suddenly, I’m the only one catering to patients while they sit and talk.

    I just want to work until I find another workplace. I don’t believe it makes sense to work with them long term.

    In short, take the easiest route if possible and just eat somewhere else at lunch and redirect the conversation back to work if they keep talking to you during work.

    I cannot eat lunch alone because I have to be on call, even when I’m doing my pause. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a pause. At other units, employees take turns to pause and the ones on duty, work, so each of us gets 30 minutes of peace. This doesn’t happen where I work because for whatever reason, manager wants us to eat all together and feels offended if somebody chooses not to eat with them. They feel offended even for this. If I choose eating elsewhere, manager will order me with her fake politeness to eat with them, because I have to be there, should a patient need me.

    What about this: I’m there, eating with them. They ask me a privy question and I answer: ‘nice weather today’ or ‘what did you have for breakfast’? completely ignoring the question and trying to redirect.