or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
I apologize constantly for everything, my fault or not. I’m very annoying. I would learn towards the side of keeping the peace generally though.
Yeah, I basically apologize for existing in the same space as other people.
What would happen if you just… didnt and just did your business? Why are the apologies needed?
Almost certainly nothing bad, but I’m ashamed of existing
I was sort of getting at that. The tricky part is people will almost never treat you better than 1. You treat and present yourself and 2. How you assert you are to be treated by them.
You can start small tho. Try to not say sorry for anything thats not an actual sorry-worthy accident or mistake for a day. Thats it
At work, I apologize all the time.
With real people I actually care about, I only apologize for specific things I’ve done wrong. That way they know I mean it.
I teach programmers to say “Oops” when they make a mistake, rather than apologize. It’s epidemic.
Id never thought about it in this way before. I apologize all the time just to keep things moving quick and easy, but maybe I should learn to be a bit more discerning for the sake of trust? Definitely something to think about
A key part is that you have to examine your own behavior with a critical eye.
It’s not even just trust but self-confidence. You may be giving off the impression that you can be walked on all over, and bullies may take advantage of that.
If the other person needs it and it doesn’t inconvenience me in the long term, yes. Also depends how much I care for the person in question. I don’t do this to just anyone. They usually know if they were wrong and learn from it. They don’t need me to confront them while they are vulnerable.
Doesn’t mean my feelings can’t be hurt though.
I try to be aware that needlessly apologizing devalues my apologies. I don’t have an issue saying it, but I refrain from doing so unless I actually mean it.
You don’t necessarily need to apologize to take ownership of your impact.
When you acknowledge how your words and actions affect someone (regardless of intent) you make that relationship safer, more responsive, and more connected.
Ownership is acknowledging the effects of your behavior, not absorbing all blame or excusing harmful behavior from either party.
It sounds like “When I did X, the impact on you was Y…here’s what I’ll do differently,” which lowers defensiveness and invites collaboration on solutions.
Yes… Apologies aren’t about fault for me. They are about recognising other’s suffering, and possibly about acknowledging my contribution to that situation.
The apology isn’t about you, it’s about the other person, and showing you care about them.
This upsets me and I demand an apology.
I get that this is a joke, but there’s a good point there too: I don’t give apologies because they were demanded, if give them because I can see that they’d help improve the situation.
But improvement is subjective; what if it does improve @spankmonkey@lemmy.world’s situation?
Then I’ll do it. If it doesn’t cost me too much. I can’t see someone else’s perspective really, but I can at least be empathetic…
I’m upset that you’re upset.
It can be problematic when there’s no established actual violation and you simply go along with whoever is doing the demanding…
People who demand apologies are seldom the type who actually deserve apologies. Discernment is quite necessary here, if you apologize unduly, you are setting a pattern that helps establish the response they expect even when they act unreasonably or uncivilly.
Yeah, I’m definitely assuming good faith above. I’m lucky that I’m mostly surrounded by people for whom that assumption makes sense.
I tend to disagree (to a degree, (lel)). An apology is also a sign of regret of a previous action imo.
Yeah, that’s always gotta be true to some extent… If not, then the apology is gonna be insincere anyway. But it doesn’t mean that the regret has to be massive for you for the apology to be valid or useful.
Canadian here. Sorry, but that’s our thing.
… sorry …
I hate you dear sir, but take my upvote for this great comment.
I did it so much in a retail job that the supervisor told me to stop saying sorry all the time and of course I immediately replied “sorry.” Being autistic and socially anxious will do that unfortunately. It’s taken time and I’ve gotten a bit better at not apologising for things that aren’t my fault, but it’s still an annoying habit.
In your defense, that’s probably better than the other way around!
This is a good question and not stupid. I generally don’t say sorry reflexively, no. But yes I seek to empathize and see how my actions affect others. If there is something to apologize for, I do, and always try to take ownership of my mistakes.
If it’s something where I feel fine about what I did and sincerely think the other party has wildly misinterpreted it, I may ask what they think, depending on if I have time and whether I know them, or just let it go if I don’t know them, because I’m sure I’ve done the same to people.
In general I think I err on the not apologizing side and on the defensive side, not on the over-apologizing and too self critical side, nor on the blamey and critical of others side.
There are times when apologies are more of a social lubricant or a way to signal you aren’t angry or hostile. Quickly apologizing for not hearing your coworker and asking them what they need might speed things along and get them away from you faster. You don’t need to feel any real sympathy for them. In this situation, an apology is more like a rote phrase said to ease into conversation and allow the other person a few seconds to move from “get their attention” mode back to “thing i need to say to them” mode.
For personal information, the purpose of an apology is just to slightly gentle the blow of not answering the question. Useful for maintaining a neutral relationship with coworkers. If the question is reasonable but you don’t want to answer (how was your vacation? do you like a particular musician?), you might consider tacking on an apology. If the question is out of line or inappropriate in that environment (are you gay? do you have a good relationship with your parents? what’s your body count? why won’t you give me $100?) a lack of apology gives them less opportunity to press.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at with it, but I’m not known for being socially adroit. A real apology is longer and comes with recognition of harm done, etc. You’re so sorry you spilled that coffee on their lap. You’ll watch where you’re going from now on. Do they need a first aid kit or some towels? The kind of day to day apology for not hearing someone is just a brief acknowledgement of them as a human so you can both get on with things.
Thats sort of disingenuous and also inauthentic tho. Its really not helping anyone when you affirm non-existsnt grievances
Sometimes. I basically work call center for a company. User calls in, account locked.
“Oh sorry about that, let me get that unlocked for you.”
Truth is, I don’t give a fuck you got locked out. Stop being stupid when you type your password.
I will fake apologize if it helps get me what I want. Maybe that makes me a narcissist or disingenuous but so fucking what. It’s manipulation all the way down. Always has been. My “pride” is a small price to pay.
Sorry im Canadian. I don’t know what you mean. 😅
Bump into a Canadian at an airport and you’ll hear them apologize.
Am Canadian, can confirm.
Except outsiders don’t know we have 6 meanings for “sorry!” and one of them is “I’m sorry you’re not better”.
There is no simple answer to this. It’s like at least three factors interacting. How much empathy do you feel towards the other person? How close is your relationship on the scale of strangers bumping into each other on the street to best friends forever? How big an issue has any of this been objectively (or as close as you can get there)? So that’s three sliding scales to adjust to get an outcome. The closer a relationship is, the harder this can be because there is history and people (I’m including myself in this) can be very petty.
Just judging by the hints you dropped you should probably reconsider your approach to your coworkers. And I don’t mean you need to be submissively apologetic all the time and share everything from your private life, even your hemorrhoid problems, with the crew. You’ll probably make your life easier just on a human level plus improve odds of promotion if you do more of that, even if it feels more line cosplay to you. I share your “grow the eff up”/no bullshit stance but that only works in a group of like minded people.
