Please bee kind with me. I’m feeling raw and sad. Thoughts repeat through my mind because sometimes it’s really hard to control a feeling. Maybe this is how I process through it. I’m just hoping for some help from you, friend.

I consider myself to have been raised as a girl’s girl with good morals. I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated. Somewhere along the way, lines got blurred. I’m in a program where it’s a pressure cooker, hormones are unsatisfied, and married people flirt openly. It’s scary to be honest. I’m single, lonely, and at an age where many are getting married, having kids, settling down. I had bad heartbreak for months when my single guy friend Ed didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I really grew to like him, his qualities, his laugh. I felt like I could trust him with anything.

While this was going on, my female friend Sue drunkenly hooked up with this other guy Po (who’s years younger than me). He hurt Sue’s feelings by accidentally leading her on, but they later resolved it aka he confirmed he is in fact looking for casual sex. Here’s where it gets even more entangled. Po and I had chemistry even before the one night stand with Sue. Apparently he wanted to kiss me and I said no even while drunk, but we were basically cuddling a lot in front of friends.

But that untapped chemistry just grew more wild over time. There was an event celebrating me where Po was sweet to proactively help - even if he may have had other hopes in mind. We kissed after drinking and realized we’re magnetic physically. A couple months later, we stayed over at each other’s places and ultimately had drunk sex. More recently, we had tipsy sex. I think my wall just keeps getting lower with him. I couldn’t get enough, and he was loving it.

I’ve told him repeatedly that we shouldn’t, can’t, and I’m trying to be a girl’s girl (as much as I possibly can at this point). We agreed not to discuss this with anyone, including Sue, or else it’ll spread and people will inevitably stir up rumors making it far worse. I threw up my hands and asked him to help me in this and support my good intentions, because so far he’s been fueling this spark and enabling me, while feeling very content without remorse.

I’m terrified that I’ll let it continue and the more we try to talk ourselves out of it, the more tempting it’ll be. I’m afraid that it’ll get to a point where sober sex occurs and I just feel more and more wretched, guilty, and ashamed the next day. I’m nervous that my friends will find out and abandon me. I’m sad that I’m nowhere closer to being in a relationship. I’m frustrated that there’s always something mismatched or missing with my romantic interest.

Am I an awful person? Why do I still think of him even after months of no contact, when we didn’t even date? Actually, both Ed and Po for that matter? Despite Po being set on casual while lacking emotionally maturity as a much younger guy, should I hope for a future with him? What else can I do to forget him and fully move on? It’s like I can’t shake them and it’s weird having both on my mind. It’s always been just 1 guy, but this has been almost like they’re playing pingpong in my head. Any wisdom or advice will be appreciated!